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    Friday, February 3rd, 2006
    7:31 am
    Why I Love WENDYWOOWHO
     1. She is usually the first (and sometimes the only) person to respond to my LJ posts. Makes me feel so loved.

    2. She didn't even get mad when I thought that she was givin sweet sweet lovin' to her dog.

    3. Her birthday is my birthday, too! I do so love a good Pisces. And a March 10 Pisces . . . well, that's just whippy pink icing all over the place.

    So in honor of Pisces everywhere . . .

    Why do YOU love [info]wendywoowho?
    Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
    9:14 am
    Huh. So am I just a hillbilly at heart?
     (No offense to hillbillies anywhere - even those in Beverly Hills.)

    So today I arrived with work loaded down with bags of booty for certain of my coworkers (some got booty because I like them; others because, I'll admit, I'm brown-nosing - but I like those people, too). I put together seven little "Holiday Party for One" baskets (with art direction from [info]skipmagic), and got here early enough to leave them on desks before anyone got here, for a little Tuesday surprise.

    Only nobody is opening them.

    They've opened the cards - and no fewer than three people have come to my desk to thank me for the card (one even hugged me for the card!). But each time, the person says, "Can't wait to see what's in the basket!" instead of . . . well, just opening it to see.

    And please believe me when I say I'm not looking for thanks or kudos (despite the aforementioned brown-nosing) . . . I'm just thinking that if I were to have received such a gift, Honey, I'd have opened it right away (you know, assuming it wasn't addressed to me and [info]skipmagic or something)! I wouldn't prance around with it, going, "Look what EYE got!" in front of people who may not have gotten one, but I would have at least peeked by now to see what was in it. However, since nobody else is doing it, I'm now wondering if I somehow missed the chapter in The Big Book of Etiquette that says when it is and isn't OK to open a gift (you know, aside from common sense situations: at a wedding, a funeral, someone else's birthday party, etc.).

    Does anybody know if it would be bad form to open a wrapped holiday gift from a coworker at work?
    Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
    1:02 pm
    Do-be-do-be-do, The Shopping Coup . . . Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
     OK, I only went to the fancy-schmancy department store to buy CHRISTMAS CARDS, I swear! But then they didn't have the ones I wanted, so I started looking around for a birthday present for my best friend.

    Didn't find that either.

    What I did find, however, was this:

    http://www.lynns.com/productimages/l/Agate5pcCompleterSet.jpg

    And I mean the whole set: serving dish, serving bowl, sugar, and creamer - FOR EIGHT DOLLARS.

    Minus a 20% discount.

    I am so tingly right now.

    Dunno what the hell I'm gonna DO with the stuff, but I tingle nonetheless.

    Current Mood: satisfied
    Monday, December 12th, 2005
    9:55 pm
    Uh-oh.
     Bwahaha! [info]auntsie_pants forgot to log out of LJ, and now her evil, evil husband has control. Now, acting as [info]auntsie_pants, what should I say? Oh, I know:

    My husband, [info]skipmagic is the niftyest, coolest guy I've ever met. He's the jelly in my jam-roll, my main Twinkie squeeze, my--

    Oh, crap! She's coming! RUN, mutha-fugher, R-U-N!

    Current Mood: pleased
    Current Music: Everyone Loves Skippy
    Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
    3:42 pm
    Overheard in the Land of Cubicles . . .
     "I was groping myself."

    I am no longer concerned about what tidbits people around here overhear of MY phone conversations.
    Friday, November 18th, 2005
    8:48 am
    I believe the children are our future . . .
     So I apparently lied a few weeks ago, when I complained that my autumn volunteer activities had gone down the crapper. Rather, it seems, some of them were just postponed. So on Wednesday, I get a message from the coordinator of the monthly "reading to kids" program in which I participate, wanting to know if I'll be able to make it on Thursday. Never mind that I haven't heard a peep from these people since mid-summer, when I got the "Still interested? Great! We'll be in touch!" call (and never mind that, despite my occasional reminders last year, they still never got around to doing a background check on me, so for all they know I could be Michael Jackson in disguise). They finally seem to be on the ball, so I say, "Sure!" and ask if I can have a class of first graders again (it's not that I have a strong preference - I just want to make sure I bring the appropriate reading material).
    ( Teach them well and let them lead the way. )
    Thursday, November 17th, 2005
    2:31 pm
    Chestnuts roasting on an open fire . . .
     . . . is apparently what we'll be having - and ALL we'll be having - for Thanksgiving dinner; my mom and I are headed to my sister's place for Thanksgiving, and she is lacking:

    a) a working oven

    b) two working burners on the stove (the two that do work are the small burners), and

    c) a working microwave.

    Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, here we come!

    Current Mood: hungry
    Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
    1:19 pm
    Do You Know When the Hen Broke Wind?
     This beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon past I was outside fighting the rampant ivy threatening to overtake our back porch (and, indeed, our home) and I suddenly realized, apropos of nothing, that there are only two people left in the world (my mom and sister) who remember the funny and somewhat odd phrases my dad used to use to describe various things and/or states of being. They are, for example, the only two people who understand what it means:
    ( Read on for deep, deep meaning. )

    Current Mood: loved
    Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
    2:25 pm
    The Un-sale: An Update.
     I couldn't help it. I had a lunch "date" today in the mall of yesterday, and since I was walking through the department store again, I had to check. And Skanky Ganker was nowhere in sight. So I grabbed the red $95 sweater from yesterday (which was back on the rack by now) and asked a nice saleslady whom I'd never seen to check the price.

    Still $95.

    I told THIS salesperson the story of the identical sweater I'd gotten for $47, and noted that this sweater looked as though a different price sticker had been on top of the $95 sticker, and then peeled off.

    Well.

    She told me that the sweater probably HAD been $47, when the store was having its BIG sale (a few weeks back - they put out flyers and everything). But then, when the BIG sale was over and the sweater went unsold, it then went BACK UP in price. Only not to its original $200-something price. So it's still on sale, but not on SUPER-sale.

    Check back, she said. It has to come down again . . .

    I am disgusted by the concept of a retract-o-sale.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
    1:22 pm
    . . . and lest my shopping woes don't make me sound ENOUGH like a Lady Who Lunches . . .
     Why, ah haven't a single voluntee-ah activiteh planned fuh this fawl!

    I usually do a once-a-month reading gig at a local elementary school, but that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I got the preliminary, "Are you interested for this year? Great! We'll be in touch!" call, but have heard nothing since (granted, this school ain't gonna be winnin' any trophies for organization . . . ). Then I got nominated to serve on the advisory board of a non-profit organization that helps families who have kids with special needs. BUT, it turns out that there are already two employees from my company on the board, and so they don't think it would be good to have a third ("it's a whole political thing," I was told). My sweet, cute husband has suggested that maybe he (who does not work for my company) could serve on the board instead (how cute is he?) . . .

    . . . but that still leaves me with not a THANG to do! How EVVAH will I spend my spay-uh TAHM?

    Is it too late to join the DAR?

    Well. Thank God for the internet, or I'd be bored to tears. ;-)

    Current Mood: devious
    12:34 pm
    OK, so my FIRST mistake . . .
     . . . was even walking through the damn department store in the first place. I was on my way to the pharmacy in the mall across the street from my job to fill a prescription, so the most direct route is through the department store, but it's a lovely day - I could have walked outside. I should have walked outside.

    ( One mistake down, five more to go. )
    Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
    4:49 pm
    My New Favorite Thing in the World.
     Besides SkipMagic, of course.

    And maybe you've already seen it.

    But every time I watch it I start laughing so hard that my coworkers think I'm being attacked by badgers.

    (Oh, should probably mention that it has somewhat explicit language, for those of you at work . . . )

    http://www.people.virginia.edu/~rof2p/InjuredBad.mov
    Monday, October 24th, 2005
    10:55 am
    Stuff You Think About on Allergy Medicine . . .
     1. In the movie Grease, when Sandy found out she wasn't going back to Australia, why didn't she just get in touch with Danny to let him know? I mean, if they were so in love ("Then we made . . . our true love vow . . . "), didn't they at least exchange addresses? Didn't she at least know what high school he went to, so she'd know to look for him?

    2. If all songs were autobiographical, which singer/artist would have the most unfortunate love life? I vote for Gary Puckett.

    3. Naptime is in like six hours.
    Thursday, October 13th, 2005
    8:15 am
    I'm hungry.
     I'm fasting for a blood test this morning. 12 hours. Would have taken it at 8:00, but I didn't eat dinner until 8:00 last night. Would be taking it at 8:30, but I kept forgetting that I was fasting last night and consequently kept taking bites of SkipMagic's dessert. (My thought process went something like this: La la la la . . . this show sucks . . . ooooh, ice cream . . . mmmmyummm, ice cream . . . *swallow* . . . DAMMIT! OK, from now on I am fasting . . . la la la . . . ooooh, soda . . . *swallow* . . . DAMMIT! Rinse. Repeat.) Would be taking it at 9:00, but I just remembered I promised to cover for my boss in a 9:00 meeting. So now I gotta wait until 10:00, or - God forbid - LATER.

    Yikes!

    As it is, I'm so hungry I'm gnawing on the insides of my own mouth (which, I guess, would be better than gnawing on the insides of someone else's).

    Feed me, Seymour. I'm starting to tingle.

    Current Mood: hungry
    Monday, October 10th, 2005
    8:52 am
    I got dissed for "Lost".
     Several weeks ago, a coworker invited me to lunch for today. This morning I sent her an email this morning to confirm. She called shortly thereafter and asked if we could reschedule, because another "meeting" had been "put on [her] calendar". A meeting "with a client".

    Turns out the "client" is Matthew Fox.

    I mean, really - why bother to lie when one's calendar is available to anyone who cares to look (a fact which freaked me out and seemed a little invasive at first, but after awhile, ya get used to it)? Why not just say "I'm dissing you to view a taping of last week's episode of 'Lost' with a bunch of other people"?

    I can handle the truth. Really I can.
    7:33 am
    Get Me Outta This Car!
     Ever have one of those mornings where you CAN'T STOP DRIVING LIKE A STEAMING HEAP OF IDIOCY?

    I have. This morning, in fact. I was doing fine, really. Traffic was somewhat heavy for 6:30 in the morning, but I was moving and shaking with the big dogs. Then, for some reason, the two cars in front of me (in the far left lane) started braking.

    "No problem," my inner ZenMaster (IZM) said. "They're far enough ahead that easing off the gas should do the trick, assuming that the braking stops within the next couple of seconds. And if it doesn't, you might want to consider a little gentle braking of your own, but nothing too extravagant. You are a beautiful human being."

    My right foot, however, screamed, "BRAKE LIGHTS! BRAKE LIGHTS AHEAD! IT'S A BRAKIN' BONANZA! PEOPLE ARE PUMPING THE PEDALS OF DEATH! RED ALERT! SAVE YOURSELVES!" and acted accordingly, completely disregarding IZM and laying hard into my own brake pedal, and sending the car behind me swerving to the right to get around my crazy panic-braking ass.

    I sheepishly allowed him to pass, refusing to make eye contact, and stayed behind him for the duration of the trip.

    Then I exited the highway and as I made my way across sparsely populated city streets to my office, I managed, within a six-block trek, to:

    a) cut off an SUV while making a left-lane-to-right-lane change,

    b) cut off an oncoming pickup truck - while simultaneously running over a curb - while making a right on red,

    c) drive an extra block out of my way because I was unable to get into the proper lane to make the left towards my office (hell knows I wasn't going to try to Bogart this morning), and then

    d) turn into an oncoming-traffic lane at the next light, when I was finally able to make that left.

    When I arrived (hallelujah!) at my parking garage, I thought it was all over . . .

    BUT NO.

    Once I arrived in the garage, I pissed off a lady (who, I swear, appeared out of nowhere) in a mini-van by making her stop short behind me as I backed into my parking space (my general rule is that I don't back in if someone's behind me, but like I said, she appeared out of nowhere, man).

    So it's damn lucky I'm here and able to type right now.

    Hey, can somebody give me a ride home this afternoon at about 4:00?
    Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
    8:21 pm
    When the Skip's Away . . .
     Wheeeeee! Look at me. Pants at play. SkipMagic has some class thingy until 9:00 tonight (unless that's just a coverup for his illicit affair with theladycroom, whom he adores . . . but what the hell, so do I - do you think she goes for girls in cashmere pants?), and I'm left to my own devices.

    So first I freed the dogs (oh, yeah, Baby, all three of 'em), who are currently scurrying about the house and making mayhem with used paper towels and other flotsam out of the garbage can.

    Then I had ice cream (Haagen Dazs Coffee) for dinner.

    And scrambled eggs with cream cheese for dessert.

    Now I'm having champagne, leftover from the creation of last night's dinner:

    http://pasta.allrecipes.com/az/ChmpgnShrimpndPst.asp

    Now. One might question the quality of champagne that:

    a) only cost five bucks,
    b) came with a special resealable "cork", and
    c) was un"corked" - and resealed - yesterday.

    And one would be right to question said quality.

    But none of that matters when you have orange juice to put in it.

    So now one can only question the degree of gauche-osity it takes to be drinkin' mimosas at 8:28 p.m.
    Thursday, September 29th, 2005
    8:06 am
    MMMMMMmmmmmm . . . butter is just so good.
     It's amazing how something so simple and yellow can make one so happy. This morning I eschewed my usual boiled egg/V-8 breakfast combo (which is kinda blecchy but, as usual, it's one of those "at what price beauty?" or, more specifically, "at what price keeping my ass in my really expensive jeans?" things with me) from my workplace cafeteria in favor of TWO boiled eggs (that's right, people, ya heard it here) and one precious lovely slice of sourdough toast . . . with BUTTAH. I actually saved it for "dessert" and savored it for as long as possible. I found myself lovingly licking the last little bite of crust before shoving it down and gobbling with relish.

    Ahhhhh. Butter. Butterbutterbutterbutterbutter.

    As for my portrait drawing yesterday, it went well and was chock full of little surprises:

    a. Not everybody draws - some people whipped out oil paints, water colors, etc.
    b. Not everybody finished in the allotted hour, so some people whipped out cameras and took my picture.
    c. Who knew it would be SO HARD for me (the person who can't even sleep if Skip is in the same room reading a book) to stay awake when sitting frozen before a blinding light in a hot room full of strangers?
    d. Who knew that said struggle to stay awake would result in a bunch of portraits that made me look really angry . . .
    e. . . . and, interestingly, rather manly? (For the record, I was not wearing the pointy shoes.)
    f. I was encouraged to choose a focal point in order to avoid moving my head, and ended up choosing a branch on the pine tree outside the window that looked almost exactly like Don King.

    Oh, and I was right about my coworker - he confessed that he'd really been looking forward to drawing my hair. In the end, he was not as happy with his work as I was, and wants another shot at it, so who knows . . . ? I might end up doing this again in the next few months. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to getting more copies of Auntsie Pants portraits! I have the one from my coworker, but am expecting a couple more; the rule is that they don't have to give you a copy, but most people do unless they're just wildly unhappy with their work - or, I suppose, with you . . .
    Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
    8:44 am
    Hey, Buddy, YOU try blowdrying eight miles of hair!
     So I just now trotted off in my new girly pointy-toed shoes to the coffee machine. En route I encountered a coworker, who's been away on vacation for the last couple of weeks. I greeted him and asked him about his time away. We chatted amiably for awhile, and then I limped away (pretending that I was a ballerina wearing toe shoes, and that through this pain would be born beauty and grace and a pink tutu that would be mine to keep). From behind me, my coworker exclaimed, "WOW - you cut your hair!"

    "Why yes," I batted and preened. "Thank you for noticing! Not many people . . ."

    Then I looked at him and saw a look on his face akin to that of a second grader who's just been told in graphic detail where babies come from.

    "You cut . . . a LOT," he stammered, then continued, "I mean, how could anyone not notice? Your hair was one of your signature features . . . "

    And OK, he wasn't RUDE or anything (or wasn't trying to be, at any rate), but from his reaction you'd have thought I went all Natalie Portman on his ass! In reality, I went from Lady Godiva-length* to shoulder-length (finally having realized that to fulfill my dream of being Cher - not Cher NOW, but rather Cher ca. 1974, with the big nose, crooked teeth, Bob Mackie wardrobe and long long hair - was not worth the time it took to blow-dry), so my "new look" is hardly sufficient for me to, say, go on the lam from the law. I still look very much like me.

    "Signature Feature"? Nah. I like to think that my signature feature is my sparkling wit and charm (which landed me the giant hunk of arm candy I married ;-)), and my stellar skillz at Charades.

    On a side note, this guy is part of a weekly drawing group that's going to draw my portrait tomorrow. I'm really excited about it, because the people in this group (especially this guy) do (what I-Who-Cannot-Draw consider) amazing work!

    It'll be interesting to see if he draws me bald.






    * Boob-concealing length, also known as Mermaid-length
    8:25 am
    Friends . . . how many of us have them?
     Ahhhh, Whodini . . . what ever happened to those guys? Anyway, finally getting around to noticing that I have been "friended" (who knew it would be so painless?) by more people than I have "friended" in return (what can I say? I'm a taker like that). So let me offer a belated "Hi, Babe!" to: cajun_man, drmatrix, haardvark, loH, sassy, scotticher, theladycroom, tigermelp, and withak92! I feel so loved.








    It's the cashmere pants, isn't it?

    Well, today I'd like to run home and dive into those bad boys, because lemme tell ya, my resolution to be a girl this fall was, I think, woefully misguided. I don't like the pointy shoes they make you wear.
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